I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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