I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
