woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
