in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
