i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
