where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
