The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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