My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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