then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There r osticjed everywhere
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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