i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
