we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
