I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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