Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
