Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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