sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
