I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
