everyone is single if you try hard enough
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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