I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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