I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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