Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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