3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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