In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
