This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
