my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
