so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
