mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
