What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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