what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
