I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
