Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
