I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
