coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
