i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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