On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
