I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think your dad took our porno
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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