remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
