alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
