I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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