His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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