Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
