i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
