He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
