literally had 100 drinks last night.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
