I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
