I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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