I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
