The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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