We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
