areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
