I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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