My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
