His hands were made for my vagina.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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